You're Gonna Carry that Weight
by Pyrotessa Yin
Summary: Takes palce after the episode "Sleep Tight". Wesley is laying there--waiting to die--and as the saying goes, things are flahing before his eyes...


You're Gonna Carry that Weight  
  
  
  
I've truly gone mad, he told himself as he lay on the cold ground of the park that was located right outside his apartment building. He looked up, as if to see the impending darkness coming to claim him, but instead, all that he could see was the most beautiful blue sky above him.  
  
Never seen a bluer sky  
  
Yeah I can feel it reaching out  
  
and moving closer  
  
There's something 'bout blue  
  
If he had been capable of laughing, he surely would have at that moment. His hands were still gripping his throat tightly, as if there was some hope of clotting the blood that continued to seep through the gash across his neck.  
  
Asked myself what it's all for  
  
You know, the funny thing about it  
  
I couldn't answer  
  
No, I couldn't answer  
  
Thoughts and images began to flood his mind. All he could think about was all the times that he had screwed up in the past—all the times, and people, that he failed. As the images came and went, he continued to look at the blue sky above him and remembered everything.  
  
The first people who appeared in her thoughts were the two Slayers—Buffy and Faith. He could not see them too clearly—their faces were slightly blurry. In his mind's eye, he closed his thoughts and then allowed them to appear again, hoping that the image would stay clear.  
  
Things have turned a deeper shade of blue  
  
And images that might be real  
  
Might be illusion  
  
Keep flashing off and on  
  
I was entrusted as their Watcher. Buffy had been right about Faith—she had wanted to save her soul all along, and all I could worry about was keeping the rules of the Council. Maybe she would've never gone so far down the path of darkness if I had not pushed her to come back to England for a trail.  
  
Ah, Buffy Summers. She had done more than any Slayer that I had researched. She didn't need a new Watcher—Giles was a fine man. What that girl needed was a figure that she could trust. Why didn't I see it then? Maybe things would've turned out differently.  
  
Cordelia—how many times did I want to save you from the pain that the visions caused you? However, all I could do was probe you for information, only making you suffer and relive the horror once more. Truly, you are braver than I ever could be.  
  
Fred, how I long to see your smile once again. You have the power to make anyone happy with just your smile. Gunn had better treasure it just as I did. . . Of course, I had to go and abuse the woman that I loved the most. You had told me that it was the man's blood that caused me to beat you—but deep down, that was a part of me that I had hoped would never surface. You claimed that I was a "good man"! But Fred, would a good man have done all the things that I have done? I'm happy for Charles—he deserves your love far more than I do.  
  
Angel. . . I'm sorry that I could not tell you everything that I discovered about your future. I had hoped that I would get to see your full transformation—The Shanshuu—your becoming human! You have truly earned it my friend. Had you not noticed that you harboring a child was a leap toward that?  
  
And the there is the child—Connor. Was I a fool to think that I could save him? Of course I was. He would have been in less danger with Angel than with me. If anything, now I've gone and fouled things up even more. I'm so sorry, Connor. I only wish that I could save you.  
  
Was I fool to even think at all?  
  
  
  
Free. . .  
  
I want to be free, gonna be free  
  
And move among the stars  
  
You know, they really aren't so far  
  
A smile began to tug at the sides of the man's mouth. The blood was now covering the clothes that he wore. But none of that mattered now. All that he could see now were the stars in the blue sky. One hand reached up to touch those stars, even though he knew that they would come to him.  
  
Feels so free. . .  
  
Gotta know free. . . Please. . .  
  
Don't wake me from the dream  
  
It's really everything it seemed  
  
He was entering a dream—a place where there was only peace. The smile tugged at his lisp once more as he realized what was happening. He had know the moment that his throat had been sliced that it was only a matter of time—and that time had finally come.  
  
What scared him the most was not the fact that he was about to enter this eternal dream—this wonderful place! What frightened him was the fact that he welcomed it and even wondered why it had not come sooner.  
  
I'm so free. . .  
  
No black or white in the blue dream.  
  
There was a calm that filled all of his being slowly. In this place there was no judgment, no hatred, and no fighting. Finally, his soul could rest! There were no worries—he had finally found his freedom. Little did he know that he would have found it in a dream?  
  
Everything is clearer now.  
  
Life is just a dream, you know—  
  
That is never ending  
  
I'm ascending. . .  
  
The man's eyes began to close for the last time. He awaited the peace that was about to come to him and then he realized something. Even if he left, he'd have to take something with him, for there was truly no way to escape it.  
  
I'm gonna have to carry all that weight. . . 


End file.
